hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
