I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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