I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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