Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
