if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
