i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
