also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
