Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
