I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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