just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
