areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
