Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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