before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
