so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
