and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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