Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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