Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
