I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
