i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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