I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
