you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
