I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
