i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
