bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
