I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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