I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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