I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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