Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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