I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
