she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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