its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
