i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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