Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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