I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
