yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
