if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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