Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
