if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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