i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
