It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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