I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
