my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
