so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
