How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
