well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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