Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
