Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
