Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
