Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
