when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
