drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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