The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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