How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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